A Brief History Of Rick Perry's Epic FAIL Campaign

6 years ago by David

[h/t David]

Well, I called it.

I kept telling people that the Secessionist would flame out on the national stage unless his handlers ran the Palin playbook and kept him away from the media and the debates. Oh well. As the Secessionist would say, "Oops."

Here are some highlights of the worst presidential campaign ever.

8/13/2011: The Secessionist announces his candidacy at Erick Erickson's RedState Book Burning Gathering. In his speech, he complains about the "injustice" that too many Americans don't pay income taxes.

8/16/2011: The Secessionist calls the Bush-appointed Chairman of the Federal Reserve a traitor and suggests he'd be lynched if he visited the Lone Star State.

8/28/11: The Secessionist, repeating the charge he made in his book, calls one of the most successful and popular federal programs a criminal conspiracy and "a monstrous lie." Who needs to win Florida, anyway?

9/7/11: In his first debate, the new front-runner whines that he feels "like a pinata" and says global warming is a hoax because of Galileo or something.

9/13/11: The Secessionist gets attacked in his second debate for forcing "little girls" to be injected with an STD vaccine (socialized medicine!) -- and makes it worse by telling Michele Bachmann that he can't be bought off for a lousy $5,000. $10,000 is another story.

9/22/11: The Secessionist tells his fellow Republicans they "don't have a heart" if they disagree with his decision to give children of undocumented workers in-state tuition. He also completely blows a pre-scripted attack on Willard. This effectively ends his campaign.

10/5/11: The Secessionist announces he's raised $17 million in the third quarter, demonstrating how many incredibly stupid Republicans there are.

10/18/11: In yet another debate, the Secessionist weirdly brings up his Achilles heel -- immigration -- and tries to attack Willard for hiring "illegals." Of course, everyone knows he and his corporate masters have had their share of "illegals" working for them for decades.

11/9/11: The Secessionist, who had been struggling in the debates, has arguably the worst moment in any presidential debate, ever.

12/8/11: The Secessionist runs viciously anti-gay ad in Iowa wearing the same jacket Heath Ledger wore in Brokeback Mountain.

12/9/11: The Secessionist rambles about the "eight" Supreme Court justices -- which he also can't name -- and then says how awesome he's going to do in the "New Hampshire caucuses."

12/19/11: The Secessionist calls the deceased leader of North Korea, "Kim John the Second." Really.

1/3/2012: The Secessionist finishes fifth in Iowa.

1/10/12: The Secessionist finishes fifth in New Hampshire, with 0.7 percent of the vote. He seems to suggest he's suspending his campaign, then sends out a bizarre tweet and takes it back.

1/19/12: The Secessionist quits. Everyone points and laughs.


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