Welcome To Texas, Soldier. No, Wait
April 29, 2015

I love yew, Texas.

If you haven’t heard, there’s going to be a large military exercise around the country from July 15th to September 15th. It’s called Jade Helm 15 because all military trainings have names and that one wasn’t taken, I suppose. Texas has five counties involved and the rightwing is damn sure that it means Obama is taking over and gonna put all them in a concentration camp Just! Like! Hitler!

So one of the Texas counties is Bastrop. Bastrop is between here and Austin. There’s some strange people living there.

After the county judge gave the military permission to hold some of these trainings in Bastrop, the citizenry went beeeeserk.

Lt. Col. Mark Lastoria answered questions for two hours from a crowd of more than 150 people at a special meeting of the Bastrop County Commissioners, hoping to allay locals’ concerns that the training operation is a way for the federal government to take over Texas and much of the Southwest. Instead, Lastoria was told that he couldn’t be trusted and was asked whether Jade Helm 15 will involve bringing foreign fighters from the Islamic State to Texas, whether U.S. troops will confiscate Texans’ guns and whether the Army intends to implement martial law through the exercise. (The answer for all three was no.)

One of the Bastrop residents insisted that the army was there to “gather intelligence” from the citizenry. Honey, if that was their mission, they would not be in Bastrop because there ain’t none there.

Cowboy! Think about it. If the military wanted to take over, they would not ask your permission first. They would just do it because I do not care a hill of beans how many guns you have, they have tanks. And bombers. And stuff you have never even heard of. It’s probably already in your front yard but you can’t see it because it’s covered in cammo.

Fort Hood, the most populous military base in the whole damn world, is an hour and half away by tank. Giant Dyess Air Base is 15 minutes away by B1 Bomber. There are 60 soldiers coming to Bastrop with Jade Helm 15. Sixty.

I can see why this would upset your daily routine.

Here’s the plan: The rightwing should stay at home sitting by their radios listening for instructions during Jade Helm while the rest of us applaud our military for sweating in Texas so they won’t bleed on the battlefield.

The rightwing makes me crazy.

Can you help us out?

For nearly 20 years we have been exposing Washington lies and untangling media deceit, but now Facebook is drowning us in an ocean of right wing lies. Please give a one-time or recurring donation, or buy a year's subscription for an ad-free experience. Thank you.


We welcome relevant, respectful comments. Any comments that are sexist or in any other way deemed hateful by our staff will be deleted and constitute grounds for a ban from posting on the site. Please refer to our Terms of Service for information on our posting policy.