Oh Lord, let me count the ways Newt Gingrich tells a lie. The Government Shutdown star of the 1990's talks about the Democratic Debate tonight at the Wynn Hotel, Las Vegas and praises Fox News for 'insisting on the facts.' Try to remain upright, yes, he really did say that. The Giggling Couch Tumors were thrilled to have Newt occupying a good portion of the curvy couch, as he is as slippery a politician as they come, and stroke them he did.

He started with a

'do you really want to listen to the five people who are going to be there?'

This debate will be SOOOOO boring, to skin lesions like these couch occupants, because the people on stage tonight are actual accomplished individuals with principles and not reality stars or an extension of a Koch appendage. They are not religious zealots who want a woman to be an incubator to a rapist's or an incestuous relative's baby, they actually take positions held by a majority of Americans. Roe v. Wade is settled law, and they'd rather not waste time demeaning women or making up fetal video footage. Real issues are not what god you worship, real issues include income inequality, climate change, civil rights and stopping thousands of gun massacres every year. You know, the stuff that the Fox audience rarely 'thinks' about.

Newt wants to talk about Hillary 'flip-flopping' because she, like millions of Americans, has changed her stance on a wealth of issues, either based on social shifts or more information about illegal wars (for example). She is basically screwed because we have footage of previous debates before the 2008 election, but the GOP isn't the least bit affected by their candidates' complete 180 on myriad issues?! They decide to show a clip about two minutes into this segment from the 2012 GOP debates, except, as Newt looked on in dismay, they played the wrong clip, one that was unrelated to their erudite discussion.

Brian Kilmeade tried to smooth things out by making another remark about the media being the 'problem.' Newt reminds everyone that Secretary Clinton has a big problem with her past remarks. Kilmeade then chimes in about the Keystone XL Pipeline and Pacific Trade Agreement (aka TPP, but acronyms are hard) and then the ever-so-hilarious Gingrich says, 'whether she knows Sidney Blumenthal' and then Steve Doocy says, 'those would be good questions.' *facepalm*


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Next it's time to address the candidates' age. As expected, Zombie Reagan arises and they play a clip from the 1984 Mondale/Reagan debate where he turns a question about age into a positive by critiquing youth and inexperience. They didn't mention a thing about any Democratic candidates, just gushed and oozed while reminiscing over their titillating Savior of the GOP fantasy.

They're supposed to discuss the CNN debate tonight, so right on cue, the most cackling of the three hyenas, Kilmeade, asks Newt,

'What do think about President Obama's obsession with Fox News?' Is President Obama going to be at this debate?

Gingrich:

I think that President Obama believes he was sent here on a mission to make America the kind of country he'd like it to be. And that the one major fly in the ointment is Fox News. If it weren't for you guys, Putin wouldn't be in Syria. If it weren't for you guys, Obamacare'd be working. If it weren't for you guys, we'd have full employment,

Kilmeade adds,

'guns wouldn't be an issue.'

Gingrich:

'Guns wouldn't exist. He gets up in the morning, I gather he gets up in the morning, he watches you all, and by the time he gets to breakfast, he's already so furious.

Is Newt insinuating that our twice elected president doesn't arise in the morning because why? He's not human? This all from the guy who left his wife on her deathbed for a younger woman. Yep, they sure do insist on the facts here.

President Obama recently mentioned, in an interview with Marilynne Robinson, that people in Iowa couldn't believe that he was personable because of the messages sent out on Fox 'News.' He remarked that the people, because of the smear job every minute on the 'news' network for GOP nitwits, he is portrayed as 'scary.' Newt says,

'as a Conservative, I think he IS scary.'

Like any Republican, he provides enough evidence simply by mentioning the Obamacare bombshell 'if you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor,' so that proves that the president is a terrorist sympathizer.

As per usual, he can say absolutely anything he wants, unchallenged. Gingrich has the benefit of being next to three vacuous pundits who simply read from a teleprompter and an audience that has the same memory capability as Dory from Finding Nemo. Unfortunately, he would likely receive the same kid glove treatment if he were to sit with Steve Kroft.

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