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Guess How Texas Agriculture Chief Tackles Wild Hog Problem

He's got a great idea for how to kill all them wild hogs, only this time it doesn't involve helicopters!
Guess How Texas Agriculture Chief Tackles Wild Hog Problem
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Okay, so you guys know Crazy Butt Sid Miller, the Texas Agriculture Commissioner who is so crooked that we’re gonna have to screw him in the ground when he dies.

Old Sid got himself an idea. Feral hogs are a problem in Texas, unless you kill them and feed them to your family, in which case they are not too bad.

So several years ago, Old Sid came up with an idea that it should be legal to shoot wild hogs from a helicopter. He pronounced that there are two million feral hogs every year. He accuses them of eating newborn lambs, uprooting crops and “entire city parks,” trampling across highways and causing more than $50 million in damage a year. Well, he got that passed but surprisingly, there were not enough weird Texans who wanted to kill animals from a helicopter.

So Old Sid has a new solution. He wants to make it legal to kill hogs with warfarin. You know, blood thinners.

It kills them slowly, often painfully, and turns their innards blue. It’s already wiped out swine herds in Australia, which later banned the product as inhumane.

Old Sid likes to watch things suffer. It’s where he gets his agriculture super powers. But, there are problems. More than 3,000 members of the Texas Hog Hunters Association signed a petition against Miller’s chemical war. They have some questions even outside of making hogs needlessly suffer.

“If this hog is poisoned, do I want to feed it to my family?” the group’s vice president, Eydin Hansen, asked the Dallas CBS affiliate. “I can tell you, I don’t.”

How will you know you’re not eating a poisoned hog?

And how will deer, squirrels, and other Texas wildlife not know that the hog poison is only for hogs? They can’t read worth a crap.

You think Old Sid gives a horse’s patootie about stuff like that? Oh hell, no.

His solution? He wants to put 10 pound lids on the poison. Damn hogs will need to be trained first to put it back when they finish, I suspect.

“We do have very serious concerns about non-target species,” state wildlife veterinarian Jim LaCour told the Times-Picayune.

Even if only hogs can get to the bait, LaCour said, “they’re going to drop crumbs on the outside.” Those crumbs might then be eaten by rodents, which might be eaten by birds, and thus warfarin could spread throughout the ecosystem.

So the newspaper called Old Sid and asked about these things. He poo-pooed them all and said – and I am quoting exactly here,

“If you want them gone, this will get them gone,” the commissioner told the Statesman.

And that’s all that really matters, you know. What the hell if they take a few people with them. Let’s just get them dead so vultures can eat them and get sick and then poop on … yeah, Old Sid.

Nice idea, Sid.

Originally published at

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