May 7, 2018

UPDATE from C&L editors - As this morning's Fox and Friends News Briefs above shows, Bank of America has caved to pressure. Ugh.

Bankers have enjoyed a beautiful friendship with Congressional Republicans, who have kissed back with a slobbering, wet kind of love, such that some suspicious types might, um, suspect that they were whoring it up. A match made, well, not in heaven, but places further south, if you know I mean and I think you do.

Anyway, it seemed banks could do no wrong in the G.O.P.’s lovestruck, Nancy Reagan-style gaze.

Hate it when those customers you’ve screw over sue you? Out with the rule that would’ve prevented YOU from forcing THEM into arbitration!

Turning in record profits? Perhaps you NEED the Billions for Billionaires tax cuts!

Suffocating under the constraints of regulations put in place after you destroyed the global economy? Let the Republicans set you at ease.

In other words, “Who’s your daddy?,” the Bankers are saying, and “You are!,” the GOP replies in pornstar moans, and assumes the position (hand outstretched to receive bags of Ameros. What did you think?).

So imagine the confusion of the Bankers when suddenly the blush is off the rose, so to speak. Gone are the days of lavish Republican tongue baths.

What happened, you ask?

Citigroup imposed new gun control policies on its clients, like age restrictions and background checks, and Bank of America said it would stop lending money to clients who manufacture military-style assault weapons. It seems “Guns” was the safe word, and the Bankers didn’t honor it.

When Citigroup arrived at the Securities and Exchange Commission for what they expected to be a meeting about derivatives regulation (you know, the thing that destroyed the global economy), instead they got a lecture on guns, and no knobbers from their hookers.

It seems the bank’s new policy hadn’t gone over so well with the Republicans on the S.E.C. committee, who tore into them for straying into social policy.

Michael Piwowar reminded Citigroup that they were given billions in government bailout money after the financial crisis and, in a cheesy mafia movie’s thinly veiled threat voice (only guessing, of course), told them he “knew Citigroup wanted the S.E.C. to ease regulations on derivatives and proprietary trading, and suggested they might have trouble finding the votes on the Republican-led commission.”

In other words, he put the horse’s head into the bed.

But wait! There’s more!

Well-named Sen. Mike Crapo, in his role as Senate Banking Committee Chairman, wrote a letter to both banks, scolding them for using their market power to manage social policy, and saying that banks “should not deny financial services to customers they disfavor.”

(Which is rich coming from Crapo who is no friend of the ‘Mo’s.)

But wait! There’s still MORE!

Representative Todd Rokita asked the General Services Administration to cancel a contract with Citigroup:

“This flagrant disregard for American citizens and their God-given Second Amendment rights cannot be tolerated.”

Not to be outdone, Senator John Kennedy announced that he planned to file a complaint with the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau against the banks for their “offensive” conduct.

“Our friends at Citigroup and Bank of America apparently aren’t busy enough with their banking business. They have decided that they are going to set policy for the Second Amendment.”

So there you have it. Give the GOP money, blow up the global economy, and all is forgiven. Try to save kids from being mown down by guns, and the Republicans turn on you like a rat in a drain.

Crossposted from Mock Paper Scissors,
In Which Bankers Forgot the GOP's Safe Word

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