July 26, 2018

In the latest entry of "This Douche, Again?" we have Brock Turner, former Stanford University swimmer who was convicted of sexually assaulting an unconscious woman behind a dumpster in 2016. The judge in that case, misogynist Aaron Persky, sentenced him to a lousy six months in jail, of which he served three. See, we wouldn't wanna hurt the young man's chances of success, or ruin his life for a youthful mistake, right?

That absurd and obscenely lenient sentence so outraged Californians and others around the country, there was actually a successful movement to RECALL Judge Persky, and last November, he was removed from his position with 60% of the vote! Score one for the good guys, one would seem justified in saying.

Not so fast. In a move dripping with mediocre white man syndrome, Brock Turner is not satisfied with his teensy tiny punishment for sexual assault. He is appealing his conviction. Appealing it, people. Taking a page from the Bill Clinton defense manual, his attorney, Eric Multhaup, claims Turner did not want to have "intercourse" with the victim, but "outercourse."

You can just hear the three appellate judges saying, "What the actual fuck, counselor?" and the Multhaup answering, "Hear me out, hear me out...he only wanted to have sex with the victim fully clothed." He was talking about, for lack of a better term, dry-humping. I am not sure how, then, he would explain the fact that her skirt was pulled up and her underwear was tossed off to the side away from them, and Turner admitted to digital penetration. I'll leave that to Multhaup's stellar legal intellect.

I wish it were difficult to imagine Turner getting away with such a loathsome stunt as to appeal this sexual assault conviction for which he barely paid a price. Especially when you consider the victim, who, guaranteed, has paid a very steep price for Turner's crimes. But it isn't really that hard to imagine, is it? With an admitted sexual assaulter elected to the highest office in the land, with a Congressman who allegedly covered up years of sexual abuse of the students in his charge declaring he is running for Speaker of the House, I think it's pretty clear the value placed on bringing assaulters and rapists to justice.

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