Oh, the things we learn from the The Incredible Shrinking Brain of Donald Trump. He held a 20-plus-minutes long press conference during which he mostly free-associated, pushing as many lies as he could out of his sphincter-mouth.

CNN, god-love-'em, tried to keep up with a split-screen, and fact-checking. It requires more manpower than one newsroom can handle in real time, though, so they only managed to get a couple of the lies straightened out for its viewers. We try to help with the rest.

Here's a list of what Donald said over the span of two minutes, with our responses in parenthesis.

1. He put all his stuff into trusts! he says. He didn't have to do it! he says. (No, he didn't. And, yeah he did.)
2. Did you know George Washington had two desks? One for business-y stuff and one for president-y stuff? (No, he didn't. He had one desk, which he purchased himself because he wanted to keep it after he was done being president. Our BRILLIANT sleuthy Managing Editor, Karoli Kuns, found THAT gem out for us.)

   

   By his will, Washington bequeathed the desk and chair to his old friend and personal physician, Dr. James Craik. Both were acquired by the Mount Vernon Association about twenty-five years ago and are now in the study there.

   Now, Washington WAS a businessman, in the sense that he owned a plantation, and participated in the running of said plantation. He was also a brutal slaveholder — something with which Trump probably has no problem, either. But he wasn't a "businessman" in that he was trying to build a real estate empire or get trademarks for sweatshop purses to be manufactured in China type of thing.

3. The Emoluments Clause is PHONY. (No, it ain't. Right there in Article II. CNN caught this one for everyone.)
4. Obama made his book and Netflix deals while in office! (No, he didn't. Both of those deals were made post-presidency. CNN fixed that one, too.)
5. Did you know Washington was actually considered rich? (Um, yes. Yes, we did.)
6. It's costing Trump between 2 - 5 billion dollars to be president. (Really? Can we see the tax returns to show us for sure?)
7. He has a great business. THE BEST BUSINESSES AND PROPERTIES. Doral was SETTING RECORDS, people! (It was setting records for hemmorhaging money. Net operating income dropped 69% from 2015 - 2017.)
8. He owned Doral for a period of time. (Okay, that one we cannot dispute. He did, indeed, own it for "a period of time.")

You think we're kidding? Read the transcript and watch the batsh*t video. It would be funny if it wasn't pathetic.

TRUMP: I actually put all the stuff in trusts. And I didn't have to do that, but under no obligation, I don't know if you know it, George Washington, he ran his business simultaneously while he was president. Many other presidents, there weren't too many really rich presidents, but there were a few. They ran their own business. Hey! Obama made a deal for a book. Is that running a business? I'm sure he didn't even discuss it while he was president. He has a deal with Netflix. When did they start talking about that? That's only a couple of examples. But other presidents, if you look, other presidents were wealthy. Not huge wealth. George Washington was actually considered a very, very, rich man at the time. But they ran their businesses. George Washington, they say, had two desks. He had a presidential desk and a business desk. I don't think you people with this phony emoluments clause -- and by the way, I would say it cost me anywhere from 2 to 5 billion dollars to be president. And that's okay. Between what I lose and what I could have made. I would have made a fortune if I just ran my business. I was doing it really well. I have a great business. I have the best business, I have the best properties. Between what I lose, and in all fairness, some properties. Doral is an example. Doral was setting records when I bought it, because I owned it for a period of time. Setting records.