February 18, 2021

Well, slap my ass and call me Myrtle, Ted Cruz wasn't abandoning his constituents, he was just being a great dad!

How can you cynical liberals be so cruel as to question this fine Texan's intentions when all he was doing was protecting his children from the cold, and his wife from the taunts of others, like he has done so many other times in the past? I mean, who among us hasn't thrown our children under the bus on national TV to mitigate a PR disaster of our own making? Come ON, people!

Here is The Junior Senator From The Lone Star State's thoroughly genu-ine, deeply heartfelt, sincerely empathetic statement explaining his hasty return from Cancun:

"Well, Texas is going through horrific storms, and millions of Texans have lost power and lost heat and have been hurt, and our family was among them, we had no heat and no power, and yesterday my daughters asked if they could take a trip with some friends, and Heidi and I agreed," said the Father of the Year, with his eyebrows set pointing up towards the center of his head, where his brain should be. "So, I flew down with them last night, dropped them off here, and now I'm headed back to Texas, and back continuing to work to try to get the power on. What's happening in Texas is unacceptable and a lot of Texans are hurting," he lamented through his COMPLETELY coincidentally TEXAS facemask.

Friends. Obviously this was a spur of the moment emergency indulgence of their daughters' critical need to be in Cancun with friends, and Cruz's only concern was making sure they arrived safely, because priorities are IMPORTANT. He CLEARLY DID NOT buy his ticket today to come back once he discovered some hateful liberals had completely twisted his remarkable daddy-ing out of context to make it seem as if he didn't give a burrito shart about his fellow Texans burning furniture for heat.

Wouldn't you know it, these liberal haters on Twitter doubted his intentions, too.

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