Read time: 2 minutes

Arizona Auditors On Absurd Hunt For Bamboo Ballots

That's right. Bamboo and an ABSENCE of creases. That's what "observer" John Brakey says they're looking for in "fake" ballots conspiracy nuts think were flown in from Southeast Asia.

It would be almost impressive how limitless the GOP's capacity for the absurd is. If, that would be, their achieving their absurd goals didn't foretell the end of democracy.

Today's madness arrives via the Arizona "audit" (again,) where we learn one of the things the Florida GOP is spending money on is searching for 40,000 fraudulent ballots they believe were flown in from Southeast Asia. How are these crackerjack detectives to find the fake votes planted by the stealthy Asians? How else? The "auditors" are looking for (dun dun DUN) bamboo fibers in the paper.

I kid you not.

Here's Lt. Columbo John Brakey, on investigating the crime of election fraud in Arizona.

"There's accusations that there were 40,000 ballots flown in," said Brakey to Dennis Welch (an Arizona political reporter).

Welch asked, "To Arizona?"

Brakey answered, "To Arizona. And it was stuffed into the box. Okay? And it came from the southeast part of the world, Asia, okay? And what they're doing is to find out if there's bamboo in the paper." (The world's kind or orb-shaped, but okay)

Then he pointed to his right, saying, "That camera, right there, that they take a picture of the ballot? If you...they can really look at depth and find out, is it a hand-marked paper ballot? Because it's a 5K camera. You can see the folds in the ballot, because 92% of all the ballots here should have been folded because they came in through an envelope, okay?

Got that?

"And so, they're doing all sorts of testing to prove if it was or wasn't, and that's very important, because the only way you can persuade people on changing is having facts. And we're on a mission for facts," claims Brakey.

Is he, though? Is he on a mission for facts? If he's looking for facts, does he really think the key to high-tech election fraud is finding (1) the absence of folds, (2) bamboo fibers — because ASIA — and (3) using a camera everyone and their grandma has on their smartphone?

Furthermore, assuming Brakey's 92% figure is correct, and 92% of the 2.1 million votes cast in Maricopa County were cast in envelopes, that means (assuming one still believes in math) there are 160,800 votes that were NOT cast in envelopes. So, that means fully four times the number of ballots that he's looking for already have one of the two criteria this gobshite is using to determine if the ballot is from Southeast Asia.

He may be trying to pass himself as an impartial observer, but the fact that he is enabling this BS is evidence that he's a guy from whom you should want to stay as far away as possible.

We Need Your Help Now More Than Ever

For 17 years we have been exposing Washington lies and untangling media deceit, but now Facebook and social media are drowning us in an ocean of right wing lies. Please give a one-time or recurring donation, or subscribe for an ad-free experience.

More C&L Coverage

Discussion

New Commenting System

Our comments are now powered by Insticator. In order to comment you will need to create an Insticator account. The process is quick and simple. Please note that the ability to comment with a C&L site account is no longer available.

We welcome relevant, respectful comments. Any comments that are sexist or in any other way deemed hateful by our staff will be deleted and constitute grounds for a ban from posting on the site. Please refer to our Terms of Service (revised 3/17/2016) for information on our posting policy.

Please Do Not Use the Login Link at the Top of the Site.

In order to comment you must use an Insticator account. To register an account, enter your comment and click the post button. A dialog will then appear allowing you create your account.

We will be retiring our Crooks and Liars user account system in January, 2021.

Thank you.
C&L Team