As Bill Maher explained in his New Rules segment, the Republicans are having a little trouble with their field of primary candidates so far this year. Maher did however think he found a candidate for them that the "tea party" could support... face ripper monkey.
May 20, 2011

As Bill Maher explained in his New Rules segment, the Republicans are having a little trouble with their field of primary candidates so far this year.

MAHER: And finally new rule, someone has to come to the aid of the Republican Party. I have seen a more appealing lineup on an episode of Law and Order Special Victims Unit. Now the reason it's so hard for Republicans to run these days is the same reason the ratings for Donald Trump's show are up this year; the crazier the contestants, the more the voters like it.

They keep flirting with flavors of the month where each mortifying, rabid, has-been shines for a minute, and then flames out in a toxic cloud like an eco-friendly light bulb. All in a vain attempt to somehow find a candidate meaner than Trump and dumber than Palin. A candidate that will meet these criteria:

a) Never compromise on anything or ever work with the Democrats.

b) Always treat Obama like he's some mysterious black guy who turned up uninvited at your country club; President Bagger Vance.

c) Never admit government is useful for anything. The government is always like Snooki's vagina. It's too big. It services too many people and nothing good will ever come out of it.

After listing off the group of people Maher thinks will fit that criteria like Charlie Sheen, Ted Nugent, Andrew Dice Clay, Thor, and Arnold Schwarzenegger's penis, Maher finally settles on his personal favorite, face ripper monkey. Maher explained why he thought face ripper monkey would appeal to the "tea party" (or a.k.a. the extreme right wing of the Republican base).

MAHER: His very existence disproves evolution. And he's not a "Washington insider." In fact, he's not an insider at all. Face ripper monkey doesn't wait around for government to solve his problems. He acts. He doesn't do nuance. He goes with his gut... and for your face.

Face ripper monkey is aggressive, independent and he's... he's not afraid to prove his toughness with direct, common sense solutions, like ripping off people's faces.

And the best thing about face ripper monkey, he will accept not being at the top of the ticket.

Maher couldn't get that out without breaking up in laughter himself.

And word of warning, this segment is definitely nsfw.

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