Saturday Night Live's Colin Jost and Michael Che tackled the need for gun control during the opening of their Weekend Update segment following the massacre in Las Vegas last week.
JOST: The investigation into the tragedy in Las Vegas this week has sparked a larger debate in America between people who want common sense gun control, and people who are wrong. This shouldn't be a partisan issue. The guy had 47 guns. No one should own 47 of anything. If you own 47 cats, you are not a responsible pet owner, you're a crazy cat lady. And unlike with guns, the government will actually come and take your cats away, because everyone agrees that's insane.
Also, this guy bought 33 of his guns in the past year. And that didn't set off any kind of alert? If I buy $100 worth of Chick-fil-A, I get a text message from my bank that says, "Did you just purchase $100 worth of Chick-fil-A? Please, Colin, tell us this is fraud." How is no one keeping track of how many guns people own? There is a real law in Texas that says it's illegal to own more than six dildos. And I get why. No one needs that many. If you have more than six dildos, it's the a clear sign you are training for something awful.
CHE: Why is it so hard to get gun control in this country? I mean who are these delicate snowflakes that we can't just tell, "No, you are not allowed to have 40 guns anymore, Earl. From now on, you can have one gun, max, and six bullets. If you can't hit what you're shooting with six bullets, then you don't need to be shooting at it. Learn karate, or use your words.
I'm sick of this narrative that Americans just love guns so much. It's not true. 78 percent of Americans don't even own a gun. And 3 percent of Americans own 50 percent of all the guns in the country. That's the problem . That whiny 3 percent that needs to feel secure all the time. That's why I think we should do a buy-back program.
For every gun you trade in, we give you one half inch of penis enlargement. That's fair. If you trade in ten guns, you get five more inches. And if women want to trade in their guns, don't. Keep your guns. You're probably going to need them to fight off all those men in spandex, fighting to show off their brand-new eight inch penises.
Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said that he wants Congress to look into some proposals for gun control. But first, he wants to look into this briefcase from the NRA. You know we've got to do something about the guns this the country, and I know about the Second Amendment.
I know you think you need your guns to protect you from the government, but I notice the people that bring up the Second Amendment all the time are always the same people that preach “Respect law enforcement. Support the troops."
Meanwhile they have a closet full of weapons because they think those same troops are going to come drive their house away. It's hypocritical. It's like saying, "I love my wife, I trust my wife, but I swear to God, that sneaky bitch is coming for me."